okay so i have not been posting for how many months now and i don't really care. i mean who would even read this stupid blog of mine? no one is really interested to know my life.. until i die.

so for the sake of the people who'll miss me when i'm gone, i'm gonna update this blog from time to time.


dear blog,

today, as usual, i am lonely and alone. to be honest with you, i don't even know what to write but i'll just write everything that i have in mind though.

so the very first thing that's really bothering me these past few weeks is of a particular person. this person used to be my bestest friend. i mean he was like the only one to me. i have always been loyal to him. i treat him as if he was my brother. well, we live in different locations so i am like 7 hours ahead of him so i always take the sacrifice of staying up late all night just to talk to him and treat him like my only friend. of course, i can not disclose his name on this blog so let's just call him george. george is 17 years old (one year younger than me) and is rather, what i may say, reserved. he used to say, during our earlier chats, that he is a shy fellow and that he doesn't have much friends. we were technically in the same shoes since i claim myself as an introvert with minimal friends. and so summer of last year we met and thus began our friendship. we would chat using Skype and talk about the randomest shit we could think of. and that's just how we do. talk, and talk, and talk... until we began to be closer and closer. i trusted him so much with all my secrets and ambitions in life and i believe he has also shared his. well that was the case but not until now.

lately, i have been acting shitty. i am a person of negative outlook at life and just at the turn of this year, i began to feel pathetic towards myself saying no one loves me or i am a total failure and stuffs like that. and this went on for a weeks until such time he has been used up to it. and now i have ****ed it all up.  everything is now so different between the two us. ours talk have become boring and it's just all awkwardness that is evident. i mean it's just TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!! we never talk like before anymore... we used to look forward on talking to each other but now it feels like that we just talk because of mere duty... i hate it. i ****ing hate it.

i have suddenly have the suspicion that i guess he has found someone better than me. someone who was more important and worth talking to. well it is not really new to me. i am used to this shit. you know being left out. that who i am. i waste my time, effort, and investment on people who treat or will treat me as nothing. now my heart is aching and it so hurts so much. it's like my heart has been stabbed by a sharp knife multiple times.. all day and night long, i would only think of him and how we were best of friends and now it's over.

to george, if you're reading this, i am terribly sorry for the things i have done. i have ruined our friendship. i am so sorry. and i know we can still fix this but like a mirror we can still see the crack on the reflection when it has been broken. so right now, i don't really want to bring back our friendship because that would be selfish of me to do so. although i am always hoping that i will but i know pretty well it won't. i think you have already found your true happiness with someone or something and so long as you are happy in life, that's all i need to know even though i am tearing apart. i will be with you. i'll stay. i promise.. even if it hurts.

lastly, i just wanna post this two meaning photos:

and this music video by british artist Sam Smith:

and this really emotional song form my ever favorite, Les Miserables: 

"i love him but everyday i'm learning,

all my life i've only been pretending.

without me, his world would still go turning,

a world that's full of happiness that i have never know."