dear blog,

as you are well aware that yesterday was St. Valentine's day and we all know what that means. Yep. i will be bitter and sad and lonely and miserable.

well, actually, i have got something to share about this, what love delusion people may say, "special" day. perhaps to you it may not be of any attraction or significance but to me, it was quite a privilege to experience such "petty" incident.

it so happens on the 13th day of this month during a religious youth service (i was a regular there) when this girl whom i found fancy upon  for quite sometime suddenly decided to sit with me. well the story goes like this:

the church where i regularly attend to was hosting a valentine special through their youth ministry which i was, too, a regular. and as the usual me who is not interested of social events have not felt any anticipation and excitement over the event and regarded it as another opportunity to torture myself by being left out of the crowd. i was not really in the mood of going there, since i could already visualize what the place, people, and aura would be like. you know those things with weird confetti, flamboyant and annoying lights, childish and immature decorations which i found absolute garbage and a disgrace to humanity, and of course, the people who would take selfies (these are the people that makes me depressed). BUT I DID GO THERE.

the event was to start at 19:00, a 30 minutes more earlier than their usual 19:30 regular service and i went out of the house at 18:40. i knew pretty well that i would be really late since going from house to there was quite a distance. fast forward, i was rushing all my way to reach the location where the event was held because i was indeed 40 minutes late.

since i was late and i don't wanna bother everyone's affairs by interrupting them by noticing my existence, i decided to seat at the back row (which i normally do, anyway). when i did get to sat on the chair, the program was already halfway finished (they were done with the praise session and my favorite part, the interactive activity which is usually in a form of an ice breaker or a game).

(if your intention to read this shitty blog was something cheesy, this is the part you've been waiting for.) after spending a few minutes to gather my senses back and catch  my breath, i began to take notice of the arrival of this certain lady whom i have found admiration for quite some time and to my astonishment she was heading to the direction where i was seated. she suddenly smiled and said to me:

"hey anon"

well there was not cheesy on there, really, since she always say "hi" to me and after that ignores me as if she hadn't take notice of my presence. so i was just expecting the usual greeting until suddenly, the winds have changed. she suddenly continued on:

"i was late tonight and i was not able to prepare an attire*, may i seat with you?"

(*we were encouraged to wear some kind of outfit to match the theme)

of course, I agreed. and we did a few talks which i have forgotten and until there was absolute silence.. then awkwardness. well i thought this would go on and on and on until she'll finally decide to seat to a different row but again, the winds have changed. she began to open up to me regarding her career by proudly boasting she have gotten herself her first job after passing the boards. since i don't wanna break the momentum between the two of us, i tried my very best not to spoil up and ruin the entire conversation (which by the way, is what i usually end up to) by asking all the relevant questions i had in mind like where is her workplace located, who were their clients, what does she perform there, has she got any friends there already, when did she start, how was the environment, etc., etc. in return, she too, asked a few questions of how i have been in school and i replied with the most corniest response ever.

so that was it. i mean there was nothing special on it, wasn't it? although we did sit beside each other for a few moments, she was called up to aid in the distribution of the snacks and we never got to talk again during that night simply because i feel awkward to do so and make the first move.

and so, ladies and gentlemen, this ends my vain fantasy for today. it's time for me to wake up gain back to reality that she'll never be attracted to me and that it would be very assumptive for me to say that she has some interest over me by just judging of what happened that Friday night. here i am sitting in front of my PC, acting like a total shit, my heart aching by the fact that amid all the many people i talk to, amid all the smiles i fake, amid all the "friends" who claim they are, amid all these overwhelming turn of events, WHY DO I FEEL SO FUCKING ALONE?

xxx

i am proud to inform you that i am already seeing a professional to help me with my mental disorder. technically, i have no such disorder since i have not verified and got tested yet but i do firmly believe by judging my behavior, attitude, and personality over the course of several months since late 2013, that i do have clinical depression and religion is definitely not helping me. basically, i see a psychologist [who was my psychology teacher during the last semester (and did i mentioned her class was the best class i have ever had in college?)] and she'll gonna give me some guide questions for me to answer my narratives. the purpose of such is for her to understand me deeper and form reasonable judgments back by, of course, scientific principles, about how should my behavior be treated and whether i really do have clinical depression. the downside of this is that my teach does not belong to the medical community which means to say she can't prescribe any medicines to me (that is the main distinction between a psychologist and a psychiatrist). i was hoping to get into meds since i believe that my depression is due to chemical imbalances. anyway, this is a good place to start improving my life. i hope it gets better.